Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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