the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
