I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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