I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
