The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
