Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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