just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
try to milk me bitch
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
