T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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