if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
