Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
