The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
