got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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