What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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