does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
her vagine was all disorganized.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
