Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
