You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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