you didnt know i had herpes?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
