i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
