she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
