You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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