2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My liver just broke up with me...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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