when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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