mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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