I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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