White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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