my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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