McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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