Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
