DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I want her autograph on my taint
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
