Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
