i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
