You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
