so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
