Soap is not a condiment
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
