And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
