New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
