i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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