Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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