he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
