I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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