My friends, they love my intelligence
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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