I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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