were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
