apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
