we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
