Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
