I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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