I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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