If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
