Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
