2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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