Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
