Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
