dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
