I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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