I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
