Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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