before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
